Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Consensual Relationship

It’s been a considerable amount of time since I blogged so I thought I’d restart with a topic that is often confusing for some.   That topic is: Consensual. Many wonder why women, or men for that matter, would allow themselves to be “abused” by someone (as it is often misconceived as being); or how can a true dominant/submissive relationship involve anything consensual. 

The answer is beyond skin deep.  This type of relationship is complex and goes well beyond the typical guidelines of vanilla relationships.  There is a mutual agreement, an consensual understanding, and a large degree of trust.  These aspects of the relationship are typically formed after a certain level of “a regular relationship” has been established; regardless of timeframe. 

As you can imagine, in the beginning of forming this type of relationship there is a great deal of communication to be had.  Each partner must discuss their needs, desires, expectations.  You don’t always have to agree on everything, but respect during these initial conversations is important to and for both parties. 

Compromise is to be expected.  While one partner may not necessary have a desire to carry out a certain act, knowing that it will please, excite, or respect the other may well be suited enough. Carrying out these acts, while it may not excite you but knowing it does your partner, can be a very bonding experience.  After all, a relationship is about give-and-take.  Of course that isn’t to say that hard limits shouldn’t be respected.  If one partner is completely turned off by a proposed act then that is certainly something to be respected. 

All of these things add up to a level of consensus however there is still another key point to be made in regards to this consensual  relationship style.  The two partners agree on behaving a certain way.  This includes the dominant.  For example, the dominant agrees to take care of the submissive (however that may be for them), and the submissive agrees to behave in a way that pleases the dominant.  If either of the two partners is not living up to their end of the agreement, the other partner has the right to break the relationship.  While either partner has this right, this is the key point of how this style of relationship is not abusive; the submissive partner is not being held against her will.  It is consensual. It is mutually beneficial.

A note about “breaking the relationship”.  This, of course, can come in the form of the partner leaving the relationship.  However, it can also mean breaking role; a timeout so to speak, to regroup, communicate. 

The easiest way to remember how to keep the relationship consensual is to communicate.

Friday, June 13, 2014

It's Been A While - Personal Update

It's been a while since my last post.  I do intend to keep this blog going and will do so on a regular basis later this summer.  Our life has been pretty crazy lately!  In April we moved from California to the D.C. Metro area.  I've moved several times in my life though it's been 20 years since I did a cross-country move and that was before I was an adult and had to handle the logistics.  Man! Trying to move the past 20 years across country is a serious life event - LOL!  To be honest, it feels quite weird to not live in California anymore.  I graduated high school and college there, have a lot of friends, met my husband and got married there, gained loved ones and lost other loved ones.  It's definitely sad to be gone, especially leaving one of the most gorgeous areas in the United States.  At the same time I am amazed at how much the D.C. area still feels like home.  I mean, I'm having to learn my way around all over again but the pulse, the old friends, my old favorite restaurants and all that are the same.  I do like living in this area.  It's just so weird to change doctors, my driver's license, my daily patterns, even changing food brands in the grocery store is an adjustment and I can't believe the lack of low fat and low carb foods! 

To make this transition even more challenging we had to break the move into two parts.  With the start of a new job we had to be here in 2 weeks and didn't have the opportunity to pack up our entire life.  So we packed just enough stuff to get us started in a one bedroom apartment, I rented us an apartment online (BTW, never do that!) so that we had a place to come to, and we drove our car with a Uhaul trailer across country.  We only agreed to a 3 month lease until we could get here and feel out the area.  So in the next 30-45 days we're facing having to go back to California to pack up the rest of our life and close a business; then when we return we'll have to put everything in storage for a month until we can move into an apartment that's more suitable to our tastes.  We'll probably sign a year lease on the next apartment since we'll be able to choose it better and while we level out our lives as well as until we sell our house in California.  I will be a happy camper when we can get settled in a better apartment, but an even happier camper when we can put some roots down.

This whole experience seems so surreal.  That's not necessarily a negative statement.  There's been very good things happening because of this move and I'm looking forward to getting back down to the Carolina coast, hiking the Blue Ridge mountains, finishing the Smithsonian as well as reconnecting with more old friends.

Anyhow, the point is, Heinz and I are still here and will continuing to share our LDD experiences, thoughts, and suggestions - once all this craziness is over with!    And if you're local we'd love to meet up with you.  We're already pretty active in getting to know the local spankos in the area and plan on attending more events next month.  Wish us luck as we wrap up the process of moving our lives across country.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Not all Spankings are the Same

I write this blog post mostly for newbies or those curious about domestic discipline and spanking; as well as those who are looking for ways to expand their repertoire.  Not all spankings are the same.  Different situations call for particular types of spankings, depending on what has happened or what one hopes to achieve by the spanking.

Punishment Spankings:  Punishment spanking is the most obvious.  It's associated most with misbehavior, commonly referred to in the community as the three D's (Dishonesty, Disrespect, and/or Disobedience).  The purpose of a punishment spanking is to modify a negative behavior by helping the submissive realize remorse and bring about a change of heart which will change behavior.  While punishment varies from person to person, couple to couple, and situation to situation the punishment spanking tends to be more severe either in intensity and/or in length, and can take the form of a series of spankings perhaps even with other non-spanking punishments.  However, punishment spankings can have variations within the realm of discipline and I'll touch on those next, as a subset of "punishment spankings"

     Refocus Spankings: A refocus spanking can take the form of a quick wake up call, a firm slap on the behind, perhaps a few hard swats, just to get the submissive's attention.  These are particularly helpful when a spankee is in a negative emotional "state" or when a spankee is about to do something they shouldn't do.  They don't take up much time or effort either and can be more readily applied (some have even dared to do these types of spanking in public!)

     Maintenance Spankings:  Maintenance, as implied, is done on a regular basis.  They are for the purpose prevention, in other words preemptive.  Maintenance spankings can also take the form of a transformational spanking, covered next.  Maintenance is used to ensure everything stays in good working order in the household.  Behavior modification is the key.  The spanking is applied at regular intervals with the purpose to either keep the submissive on track or to encourage them not to misbehave. 

There are two main types of behavior modification here.  The first is preventative:  the spanking is to help the spankee remember to prevent a behavior.  This is particularly useful when the spankee has a history of a negative behavior. The second is reinforcement:  to help the spankee remember to behave in a certain way.  In either case, the point is to maintain harmony in the household, and is done so typically before a problem has a chance to arise.

     Transformational Spankings:  A transformation spanking is just as it sounds, to help the submissive transform.  Transform what?  Perhaps it's a negative behavior or habit, or perhaps it's a mindset (say, from stubborn to more mindful for example).  An example here would be a submissive who is constantly down on themselves; perhaps even verbally voicing their negative feelings about themselves.  A regular spanking may be applied to help the spankee remember to break the chain of thinking about themselves negatively. 

Submission Spankings:  This type of spanking is to remind the spankee that they are to be submissive to their HOH.  If you're like me, and have trouble with the term "submissive" or "submission", think of this type of spanking in terms of "mindfulness"; to be reminded to be mindful of your HOH.  Sometimes a submission spankings are used when a couple is first starting out, which can be useful to some as it helps the submissive understand the dynamics of the relationship.  They can also be used to help the submissive learn to be obedient to his/her HOH, which is particularly useful when the submissive is typically strong-willed or has a dominant personality.  As for me, though my husband and I have lived an LDD relationship since we met (over 7 years ago), we just started implementing these for greater intimacy (intimacy in the sense of bonding not physical intimacy/sex).  The level of and frequency of this type of spanking should be carefully considered to individual needs, and reevaluated from time to time for effectiveness and/or necessity of use.

To someone who is not into this lifestyle or is just beginning to learn about the loving domestic discipline lifestyle, it may seem like these are "just because" spankings.  In fact, they are not as the purpose of these types of spankings goes deeper than observable behavior.  It's also important to note that these types of spankings should be openly discussed with each other, and discussed often.  The reason being that they can be counter productive if the spankee is experiencing excessive pain.  Typically in a loving domestic discipline relationship the submission spanking needs to be just as much mental as physical with the HOH carefully reading their submissive's body language.  It is not about extreme domination.

Stress Relief Spankings:  Stress relief spankings typically benefit the submissive.  Their aim is to relief emotional overcharge.  A hidden benefit behind a stress release spanking is prevention.  By relieving stress they spankee is not as likely to allow things to build up to a point of where he/she is misbehaving or causing disharmony in the relationship. 

But I'm curious, have any of you Tops out there spanked to relieve your stress?

Role Play and Playful Spankings:  Role play spankings can be playful and fun.  Sometimes these are used for the sheer purpose of enjoyment, adult play.  Sometimes there is no role play involved and the spanking just serves as recreation. 

On the other hand, role play can take the form of disciplinary rather than playfulness.  The purpose behind this type of role play is to relieve guilt.  Perhaps a spankee has guilt over a situation in the past and need the emotional release from atonement. 

Erotic Spankings:  These types of spankings are for sexual excitement and fulfillment.  Erotic spankings aren't necessarily a "part of" domestic discipline, although many lifestylers include it in their sex lives as well because the act of domination and submission and the physical stimulus than can accompany a spanking is exciting.  Those who practice domestic discipline and erotic spankings feel that they can adequately distinguish and respond between a sexy spanking and a discipline spanking.  For me, it's like a switch that gets flipped - automatically - mostly because of the emotional differences between the two situations. 

Intensity levels of erotic spankings can range from light, sexy, and playful to hard and intense.  It's up to both partners to communicate about what gets them excited and feels good.  And for many women hormones play a role in this and can vary from day to day; another reason why communication is important; and for the HOH to learn their partner's body and emotional cycles (see my post about emotional cycles HERE.

So, domestic discipline spankings can take many forms and accomplish a variety of outcomes.  If I've missed any, please comment below. 

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Emotional Cycles and Domestic Discipline

One of the main premises behind domestic discipline is that DD can help maintain harmony in the relationship. In a lot of cases this premise deals with emotional cycles one experiences rather than "naughty behavior".  I mean, we're all adults right?  It often isn't so much about someone being "bad" or "naughty" as it is about correcting a behavior.  The behaviors that often get a lot of attention tend to be tied to the emotional cycles a person experiences [Note: the term "cycle" is not a reference to a women's menstrual or hormone cycle; particularly since women aren't always the sub/bottom in the DD relationship].

People experience normal ebbs and flows in all aspects of life which can have an impact on their emotions and behavior.  In fact, some DD relationships simply aim at improving how one's emotions effect their behavior overall.  In other instances, a particular behavior is the focus.

In either case, it is important for both the sub/bottom and the HOH to learn to recognize these emotional cycles.  When cycles can be recognized it is much easier to spot a potential problem that might lead to negative behavior .  This is one of the preventative measures in domestic discipline.

Ways to spot these types of cycles is to keep a journal.  For some, a simple calendar will do the trick.  For more involved behaviors a journal can be more helpful.  It may take some time, and patience with each other, but once you've collected enough information you'll be able to spot potential negative behavior.  Once the precursors to negative behavior can be identified then the root of the problem becomes easier to work with, thus reducing or eliminating the need for punishment.  Thus enhancing or restoring harmony to the relationship. 

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

What Types of People are Into Spanking/DD?

I received an email last night that I thought was worthy of blogging on.  A young woman wrote to me asking “what types of [people] are into DD?”  Her question stemmed from a fear that wanting a DD relationship made her weird, inferior, and a “fetishist”.  More spankos than not have felt or wondered the same thing at least at some point in time, however long or brief,  myself included. 

Actually, people from ALL walks of life are involved in domestic discipline relationships.  The unspoken undertone in the belief that we’re “weird” if we’re interested in spanking and DD is that there’s something wrong with us.  But what??  Less intelligent? Less socially adept? Perhaps there are other fears/concerns in this regard? If so, feel free to comment below.

The feminist movement I think contributed to the taboo nature of the topic of adult consensual spanking as well as the long-held ideas on masculinity. While neither of these viewpoints are “wrong” people have a tendency to take societal ideals as absolutes.  Once society becomes more open and accepting of other people in all realms of practices and beliefs as well as of other people’s lifestyles things will be better for everyone.  General society, with the help of media, is just beginning to explore and open up about adult spanking, which is a relieving step in the right direction for us spankos. 

Perhaps ask yourself “who am I” and that’ll put your fears to rest once you realize you are a perfectly normal person who just so happens to also like spanking or the idea of domestic discipline. I for one, consider myself pretty normal.  I am an accomplished professional with a college education, married, socially normal with friends, I have goals; although I’m not perfect and have not had a perfect life.  Sounds like a lot of people, however.  I’ve been a spanko since early childhood and was blessed to find the love of my life, also a spanko, and we find happiness in living a domestic discipline marriage.

So I’ve put a poll up (at the top right) to help demonstrate that spankos and domestic discipline practitioners are normal everyday people.  I used Blogger’s poll app to ensure you all that nobody is tweaking results and that I’m not tracking personal information.  Feel free, or not, to participate in the poll.  You may also leave comments below if you’d like to share.