Male Perspective on Humiliation and LDD

HUMILIATION INCORPORATED WITH LDD. (Heinz Kaufmann)

I would like to respond to a resent post entitled Humiliation and LDD. First I believe that it is important to access and evaluate the fundimental needs and expections of both indiviguals involved in an LDD releationship. This should be a self acessment and evaluation by only those involved in a given and specific relationship. It is not my place to acess, evaluate or judge what others pratice and carry out in their indivigual LDD relationship.

I can only speak on how this topic is viewed in the Kaufmann House where Katarina and I live and practice a very happy, fulfilling and productive LDD lifestyle. I could not write enough on how Loving and fulfilling our releationship is and how much I Adore and 'RESPECT' Katarina. In the final analysis the only aspect of importance is what works for you as a couple. If the use of humiliation incorporated in to discipline is effective and productive as a deterant or amplification of the discipline for effect and it works in your releationship; then my belief has always been " IF IT ISN'T BROKEN DON'T TRY TO FIX IT". What works in your indivigual releationship is what should be praticed. Just as what works for us in our releationship is what we pratice. In that regard I can only speak for the manner in which our LDD releationship functions. I mentioned respect there is also the aspect of highly effective communication and further being "tuined" to your partner. This is an aspect that for me personally as the HOH is something that is ever present and fore most on my mind on a continual daily basis. What I mean by this is I already know, with out asking that incorporating humillation into our LDD releationship would be hurtfull and counter productive to Katarina. Just as she knows with out asking that if I were to demean or humilliate her in the course of disciplining her it is I, who would also be humilliated and hurt as well. There you have it. For us it would be counter productive on both sides and not have the proper and intended effect or out come. I also mentioned effect and amplification in discipline. There are ocasions where Katarina is given corner time or required to sit on a wooden bench after I have administered discipline to her for cause. During this time I calmly talk to her and explain why I felt that punishment was nessary as correction for a specific behavior or event. I never raise my voice to Katarina or talk countersending to her in any way. After her discilpine I hold her hand or gently touch her face and kiss her and always a long hug. For us this is the componet that re-enforces the discipline and achieves the desired and effective out come. Peace, Harmoney, Bonding and Endearing Lasting Love!

Humiliation and LDD

I was chatting with another spanko friend of mine the other day when she told me she thinks (and is for her) humiliation should be a part of a domestic discipline relationship.  I, on the other hand, don't like humiliation and would find it degrading rather than helpful discipline. 

But, you know me, and if you've followed my blog for some time you'd know that I think whatever works for one couple is what works for them. Nobody has a place to tell another person how their relationship should run.  And how one person views and feels about a subject, say humiliation as a form of punishment, may differ from person to person.  For example, my friend said the humiliation was more of a deterant for her than the spankings (sometimes).  And for me, I would find it demeaning like I wasn't human or something.  It would actually hurt the outcome of the punishment instead of helping it and it wouldn't feel very "loving" for my husband to put me through something like that.

Keep in mind the real outcome as you're developing and living your LDD or DD relationship.  Ask yourself what the ultimate result of discipline is each time before you admister (or receive) it. 

Spanking Goes Mainstream

According to The Daily Beast, owned by Newsweek, spanking is now considered "mainstream".  While the article is clearly written by someone who is not a spanko, I did find it interesting that the vanilla world is considering spanking normal, sexually fulfilling, and even trendy. 

Interestingly enough, the article refers to spanking in the bedroom only, part of sexual fulfillment.  It fails to look at spanking as a form of discipline for adults.  A bit disapointing.  Things done in the bedroom, espeically in certain cultures, for spice are historically the gateway for vanilla thinking and can lead to other aspects of consideration, such as adult disicplinary spankings.

Another failure, which probably has cultural roots, is that the article fails to look at the male side of spanking (especially as a bottom).

I can't complain too much, however, because the fact that the vanilla world is starting to accept adult consensual spanking as something "normal" is progress. We're working on contacting Newsweek now to try to get them to expand on this article in a future issue.

You can check out the article here: It's called "The Working Women's Fantasies"  http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/04/15/working-women-s-fantasies.html?fb_ref=article&fb_source=home_multiline

When Not to Discipline

Hello, everyone, I'm sorry I've been away for so long.  I've had a lot of vanilla life to deal with, but I'm back to writing now.

As many of you know, I've been doing a Q&A posts, and there's one particular topic that has come up in a large variety of emails that I thought was worthy of blogging about individually:  Is there ever a time when discipline should not be given?  Yes, there are a variety of situations when discipline should not be dished out, or at least delayed.

I'd like to point out the purpose of discipline first.  Discipline is meant to give direction, correct a problem, help the individual grow, maintain harmony in the relationship, and/or provide for a need.  Loving domestic discipline (LDD) and discipline in general if you really look at the basic nature of it, is meant to correct and is not meant to be done out of anger, hate, or negativity.

In my marriage with Heinz there have been times where he didn't discipline me at all.  In the times where discipline was not administered at all, his reasoning was because he didn't feel it was necessary in a particular situation, discipline wasn't needed because a situation could be handled by talking about it, and another time when it wasn't necessary because he understood the bigger picture of what was going on. 

There have also been times when discipline was administered, but it was delayed.  We've delayed punishment because of illness (or injury), practicality, as well as either or both of us were experiencing strong emotions (i.e. anger).  The reason for dealying punishment is to allow distractions, such as those listed above, to pass so that his discipline would be more effective and/or I would be more receptive to it. 

Many people struggle with deciding if not to discipline, or to delay discipline - perhaps because it feels like they're letting the other person get away with something or consistancy isn't being maintained.  As an HOH, it is also your duty to assess and continually evaluate the temperment of your household and your partner's behavior.  Descretion is always the better part of valor.  You can always say that you need to think about a situation before deciding to adminster discipline or not (this can also serve as a warning for your partner to watch their step); whichever direction you decide, you'll both feel better about your decision in the end.  Another point to assess and watch for is if a pattern of delaying punishment or not punishing at all starts to emerge.  If this happens, you'll want to evaluate what is really going on to cause such a pattern.

Having a domestic discipline household does not necessarily mean that discipline is a ruling factor in the everyday function of your relationship.  Sometimes good old fashioned communication is what is needed.  There's no formula on deciding when to and when not to discipline, but it is ok if there are times when discipline is not used.

More Q&A on LDD

In continuation of blogging answers to common questions I am asked, I've added the next 5 questions.  Again some of these questions below have been modified slightly to encompass both genders, types of L/DD relationships, and the role of the HOH.



Question 1: How do I find someone who is also interested or open to an LDD or DD type of relationship?

Thank goodness for the internet!  When I first got into spanking, there was not much on the topic of L/DD, or spanking in general, on the internet; but these days, there's a lot more, including groups for those looking for others looking to get into an L/DD relationship.  I'm not exactly suggesting internet dating, however getting involved in online groups where like-minded individuals can connect and discuss is certainly not a bad place to start.  Many of the spanking groups as well as DD groups hold local or regional events and meet-n-greets.  Being active in the topic and interest you enjoy so much is where you're more than likely going to find that someone.  Of course, you could haphazardly meet someone in everyday life that just so happens to like this same thing - that's always possible too.

Heinz and I actually met at a general local spanking party.  Neither one of us knew who the other way until that wonderful fall night in 2006.  Of course, when we were dating we discovered that we were alike in so many ways, and in just about everything in life we had the same view points.  We laugh when we say that we're alike in everything except in regards to food and sleep - and that's true!  The point is, you must be compatible enough on things aside from spanking in order for the relationship to work.  It's just like any other relationship, but you also have this one unique interest that is important as well.


Question 2: I am already in a relationship, how to I approach my parnter about starting an LDD relationship?

This is one of the hardest questions for me to answer, mainly because it's not an easy subject but also because it's hard to answer without knowing the individuals involved.  The main points to consider when thinking about or planning to discuss the topic of domestic discipline to consider are:  what are your concerns when you decide to tell your spouse or partner (often referred to as "risk factors"); for example, fear of rejection, loss of trust, being told "you're crazy/strange/etc., a breakdown of the relationship, children, etc.  You must decide in advance how you will respond to each of your concerns, and how you'll react accordingly.  Another point to consider is your need for DD in your life.  Is is something you know without a doubt you want or something you want to experiement with.  Additionally, and somewhat dependent on your need, you may want to consider what your happiness is worth and in regards to your concerns.  For example, some may feel that this need for them is so strong that if their partner responds with rejection that they'll need to re-evaluate their relationship and move on to someone who is into or willing to try a DD relationship.  Another example I've seen is that children were involved and the risk of rejection by their partner could prove to be difficult and isn't worth the risk until their children have grown and left home.

Once you have decided that you're going to "have the talk", and you have worked through these issues surrounding broaching the topic with a partner, you'll want to make sure you arm yourself with information.  Most importantly, what are the aspects of LDD that you want to incorporate.  More than likely, there are going to be a lot of questions from your partner, so the more you have clarified what you want in your mind the easier the discussion is going to go.  Aspects you'll want to consider yourself and discuss with your partner include: what does LDD mean to you, what forms of discipline do you think you'll want to incorporate, and what constitutes discipline or what rules will govern your household - to name a few pertinent points.  Some people have found it helpful to utilize this blog and/or similar blogs on the topic to provide additional information and viewpoints; others have also found my and my husbands Real LDD videos helpful in showing what LDD looks like.  Some have had their partner email me or my husband (or emailed together) to help explain what this is, what it's about, and/or why anyone would want to do it.

Ultimately, this is probably the one of the most important decisions in your relationship that you'll make - and it should be treated as such.  Clarifying for yourself first is going to help guide you along the way.

Question 3: Sometimes we decide to put off or delay a punishment, is this ok to do or are we defeating the purpose of punishment?

Delaying a punishment can be appropriate at times.  This is especially true in regards to illness/injury, if one or both partners are angry or experiencing strong negative emotions, or in the event of non-practicality such as being in public or around children.  Many benefits can come out of delaying a punishment on occassion such as either or both partners being receptive to the discipline.  It's certainly acceptable and sometimes more appropriate in LDD and it is something that Heinz and I have done a handful of times.

Usually, delaying a punishment should not be a regular thing practice, and if it is occuring more and more frequently, then you'll both want to take a look at what's really going on. 


I'll come back to this series with more questions and answers in a couple of weeks; in the meantime, I have some other posts planned and you can still email me your question(s).